by Raeesa Padia
Long distance relationships are without a doubt complicated and no one will truly comprehend this unless they’re in this situation. However, distance gives us a reason to love harder, to fight harder, to adore earnestly because in the end, it will definitely prove its worth provided both partners have beneficial intentions towards each other in this world and the hereafter.
These relationships require us to put our entire being into it and although we may not see our beloved often, hug as often, spend quality time as often, we learn to never take those things for granted.
Every minute becomes a memorable moment to cherish and be grateful for.
Just like any other relationship, being in a long distance relationship accompanies advantages and disadvantages. The only difference is that it comes with its own set of challenges and complications. This may sound unreasonable, impossible, absurd even, because when you think of it, why would an individual waste so much of their energy, put in so much effort and sacrifice, to merely maintain this relationship right?
Firstly, it is from Allah Almighty’s plan and decree who He will attach our hearts to.
Its not from our general foresight to put ourselves in any particular circumstance.
Things happen Alhamdulillah, and they happen for a reason.
Sometimes we make bad choices by going into a relationship with the wrong intention and then again at times it’s good because we have the right intentions and the manner in which it occured was not hidden from anyone.
Like any other relationship, being a second wife also comes with it’s fair share of complications and obstacles. Sometimes, even a little more complicated than being the only wife and when you’re quite a distance from your partner then naturally the difficulties will escalate a degree.
Many people will start throwing their opinions around by saying things like: ‘Why waste your time, why don’t you rather find someone near you, someone who needs only one wife,’ or ‘If you are an only wife, you won’t be deprived of time, his attention will always be on you and only you,’ and ‘only wives don’t have to wait for a particular day to see their partner because he will always be near you and beside you all the time.’
Hearing these generalized opinions from individuals will make you doubt, reflect, and perhaps even consider what they say. Yet, at the end only you understand and know why it is that you have chosen that path.
We plan and Allah plans.
Allah is the Best of Planners.
When Allah has placed something in our taqdeer then there really is no reason to doubt Allah.
The grass is most definitely not greener on the other side. Everyone has their own issues and tests to deal with. Take a minute to examine this situation,
you may have to deal with being far away from your partner and time isn’t always in your favour but, look at the effort he makes, look at the sacrifices he makes, ponder a little on all the things he does for you…
He doesn’t make it seem like he’s only after one thing from you, he puts in the effort in fulfilling his duty as a husband and that’s something to really be exceptionally grateful for.
Don’t let the doubts overtake you and become ungrateful and think you made a mistake.
Replace these doubts with positive thoughts…
Think about things from his side, what he goes through, how hard he has to work to provide for you, to give you a good life, to keep you safe, to treat your parents as if they are his own. Take note of the fact that he didn’t have to take on the responsibility of expanding his family but he did so with pure intentions.
It has to be duly noted here that couples who are not in polygamous relationships, still encounter difficulties…
The wife will complain about her husband not giving her enough attention, not supporting her with her goals, not listening to her when she needs to vent, not providing enough, etc. Every marriage, polygamous or not requires hard work and has its challenges.
It’s important to understand that Life is not a fantasy… Not everything will always be the way we want it to be or the way it’s depicted to us in movies. Open your eyes and get real!
Don’t become oblivious of your husbands goodness, his Akhlaaq, his concern, his love by entertaining narrow mindsets of people.
People who are quick to say ‘you’re a homewrecker!’ and ask you ‘why can’t you find your own man,’ or ‘how can you share a man?, how do you sleep at night knowing he’s with his first wife?’ or completely downgrade the whole situation and ask , ‘how can you live like this, bla bla bla…’
Have we not learnt anything from our Beloved Prophet Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam?
Why do we regard this as Taboo when it’s not?
Why do we paint all men with the same brush?
We’re speedy to say, “He’s utilizing this Sunnah as his excuse but neglecting the remainder of the Sunnah”
I concur that this may be the case for some men who do not try to implement other Sunnah in their lives, who do not fulfill their duties as a husband to the first wife, who make the wife feel oppressed, who do not have concern for other females in their family, etc. But this does not mean all men are like that.
We must never take someone else’s experience and conclude our destiny, future, situation, or create a picture of all men considering polygamy as wrong.
I agree this is not everyone’s cup of tea, not everyone will be okay with it and its understandable. But don’t judge! It’s not your place to criticize those who are in this relationship type.
It takes a genuine man to deal with two spouses and fulfill that obligation as a husband. Try not to peer downward on him, dont lose hope in him, don’t lose trust, dont give up on him because of what people may say.
Its your life, you choose what is best for you and what is most valuable for your Deen and Hereafter.
Never give anyone the permission to dictate how you should live or who you aught to be with. If your aim and vision is to be prosperous in this world and the Hereafter, then do so by your decisions and not of what’s expected of you.
